Relapse

Thanks to my five years ago.. I learned how to be strong. But I guess when you learn a few things about life there are things that will go beyond your way. Something that you thought was over but still it's there. Yes, I'm having my relapses back. Reminding me how stupid I am and what it brought me up today. Yes I'm strong and yes I'm selfish. Selfishly protecting myself that even new friends I create brings me to no good.

I thought it was fun, everybody was enjoying every bit of the story they were creating. It brought them happiness but it brought me relapse. It's not every time when I'm laughing with you guys everything is always fine. I let it pass for months but still the same agony. I can laugh with them alright but this time it's bringing me not to my wit's end but thank you for reminding me for who I am.  I looked for means to compensate the laughter they were creating and sadness to myself but it was just not good enough. 5 years ago I swore to myself. Something I have with me now. It's full of hatred for others and protection for myself in any kinds of relationship. If it will bring me to another 5 years, hopefully it will be much clearer. What has been happening lately are my defense mechanisms in different kinds of ways. Being unpredictable to what is currently happening and being unmindful of what others are saying.

still have lots of things running through my mind!!